So I have been thinking about this conundrum all week. Not the Ambien part until this morning but the drunken late night or sometimes late afternoon idiotic text message, and how we can prevent ourselves from looking and feeling like idiotic downie-midges once we are sober again. First lets take a very personal look at what one of these "messages" actually looks like. I am willing to sacrifice my own pride to show you just how bad it can get and why this is a real problem. The following, as funny as it might be, may have done some serious damage if it had been sent to the wrong person, luckily it was a friend.
Mar 4, 2008 1:21 AM
"hey duder. Know what nakes you all weird when all you want to do is SLEEP? Ambiem. They. Should have a commercial of people floating around like aliens. Wishinh for sleep but instead have received a high like pcp and nyquil mixed. Anyway, your proibably sleepin. just return your phone call. bybye time."
Yes that is real. Yes I did find that hilarious in the morning, but at the same time the ones where you reveal things you may or may not even feel is far more common then the funny ones. I'm talking about the ones that destroy your credibility. The ones when after all is said and done, you have to stay sober for at least a good year as to not a appear like maybe you should be thrown into the booby hatch. I thought this would be a good thing to blog about after so long. Trust me I did not forget about this little bloggybooboo, I just knew I had to come back with something really thought provoking and have been writing this in my head all week. Mentally going through potential solutions to this worldwide epidemic. I have come up with the following list. Please feel free to comment or send me more ideas. We need to market this shit. Imagine all the potential and actual relationships that could be saved in the process.
1. Chinese finger trap. This was originally my second idea but the more I think about it the more I like it. It kind of coincides with #2. It works like this. Your out partying and feel your self respect fly out the door. You think hey! This would be a perfect time to text (insert name here, it is most likely someone you try not to say retarded things to). Then you reach for your phone, which you probably drop about 5 times and start looking through your address book while swaying side to side. Now, if you were in the right state of mind you would know that, A. I can't even form words to ask the bartender for another shot of popov. B. When I was looking for my phone I swear I felt like I had 16 fingers, maybe I do have 16 fingers. C. When I concentrate on something for too long I start to think about big bird and how good a totino's party pizza would be, hey maybe I should go and get one, hey I like hashbrowns too! Hey maybe I should smoke some weed or I know, ask that dude with the awesome gelled hair over there why he is such a fag, wait what was I doing? oh yeah, text messaging so and so to tell them something important, what was their name again? This is when the finger trap comes into action. Your phone has voice recognition, when the octaves sound a little to slurred the sides open up and clamp down on your fingers, while injecting you with a mild tranquilizer, then a team of "anti idiot crusaders" are automatically alerted via satellite. Your phone has a GPS tracking system so before you face plant on the floor, they are airlifting you home,snug as a drunk little bug or in some cases, if your into it, high, before you can do any serious damage to your probably already damaged drunken reputation.
After much careful consideration, and the hopes of luring you back into reading my blog, I have decided to update the list of face saving mechanisms everyday for the next week. I would like to propose a contest to see who can come up with the best one and post it next Tuesday. I look forward to your submissions and insights to this life shattering problem.
