la dolce vita.


Part duh.

Seeing as I am a huge liar by saying I would post everyday (even though you probably all read that and went "pssssshhhhhht! RIGGGHHHHT.") Here is the second idea, albeit a little later then I said, but I probably when you expected it.

A breathalizer built in to your phone that automatically turns on after 11 PM. We all know this when the worst damage could potentially and most likey will be done. I mean unless your some multi-rehab outpatient or on vacation, or most of the people I know, you aren't drunk before this time. What happens is you have to blow into the phone, it will determine your alcohol level based on a 2 month observation of your calls and messages (yes, you have to make an ass out of yourself for a bit longer, but the results could be life changing) then after you do this the phone will decide to a. call your sponsor because your on every drug known to mankind not to mention drunk, so you have obviously fell off the wagon, yet again. b. Automatically notify the mourge because there is no way you will be alive in the next 15 minutes with this much party all the time in your system, in this case it will probably turn on, lead you straight to a secret address book with all your ex's, current's, bosses and pretty much anyone else you would be embarrassed to make a fool out of yourself in front of and let you mass text them pictures of your butthole or something as equally mortifying. Hey you might as well go out with a bang right? Then your family won't have to pay as much for your funeral because nobody will be there. c. Let you call or text whoever you want and spit out a mint while saying in a creepy mac circa 1992 voice " you aint that fucked up yet but your breath is kickin for real." Changing your mind about ever texting let alone talking to another human again, therefor sending you home in a fit of humiliation avoiding the potential shit storm in the first place. Or option c. (my personal favorite, even though my career would probably be over due to black eyes and concussions) After breathing in to the device and blowing something that would put Nick Nolte and David hasselhoff combined to shame, the phone would immediately grow stretch armstrong limbs and knock your silly ass out before any real damage can be done. Stay tuned.


Extreme Ash said...

Since you have two options listed as "C" I think it is only appropriate to combine the two. Why shouldn't the phone start talking to you in the creepy mac voice and punch your brains out. Twice the level of control and therefore shame is sure to get results. And as for your career being potentially damaged by the bruises...well let's be honest; a mouthy drunken texting model with hell for breath might not get too far either. Watch yo self. ha.

typoscura said...

What I love is that you're posting comments Extreme on Ms. Ledare's blog...WHILE you're staying with her. Sheer awesomeness