one week, 4 days.

Yes I'm going, going, gone. I've wanted to live in this city for 14 years. I'm finally doing it. It's about god damn time.

Part duh.

Seeing as I am a huge liar by saying I would post everyday (even though you probably all read that and went "pssssshhhhhht! RIGGGHHHHT.") Here is the second idea, albeit a little later then I said, but I probably when you expected it.

A breathalizer built in to your phone that automatically turns on after 11 PM. We all know this when the worst damage could potentially and most likey will be done. I mean unless your some multi-rehab outpatient or on vacation, or most of the people I know, you aren't drunk before this time. What happens is you have to blow into the phone, it will determine your alcohol level based on a 2 month observation of your calls and messages (yes, you have to make an ass out of yourself for a bit longer, but the results could be life changing) then after you do this the phone will decide to a. call your sponsor because your on every drug known to mankind not to mention drunk, so you have obviously fell off the wagon, yet again. b. Automatically notify the mourge because there is no way you will be alive in the next 15 minutes with this much party all the time in your system, in this case it will probably turn on, lead you straight to a secret address book with all your ex's, current's, bosses and pretty much anyone else you would be embarrassed to make a fool out of yourself in front of and let you mass text them pictures of your butthole or something as equally mortifying. Hey you might as well go out with a bang right? Then your family won't have to pay as much for your funeral because nobody will be there. c. Let you call or text whoever you want and spit out a mint while saying in a creepy mac circa 1992 voice " you aint that fucked up yet but your breath is kickin for real." Changing your mind about ever texting let alone talking to another human again, therefor sending you home in a fit of humiliation avoiding the potential shit storm in the first place. Or option c. (my personal favorite, even though my career would probably be over due to black eyes and concussions) After breathing in to the device and blowing something that would put Nick Nolte and David hasselhoff combined to shame, the phone would immediately grow stretch armstrong limbs and knock your silly ass out before any real damage can be done. Stay tuned.

Drunk texting VS ambien texting.. The ultimate show down

So I have been thinking about this conundrum all week. Not the Ambien part until this morning but the drunken late night or sometimes late afternoon idiotic text message, and how we can prevent ourselves from looking and feeling like idiotic downie-midges once we are sober again. First lets take a very personal look at what one of these "messages" actually looks like. I am willing to sacrifice my own pride to show you just how bad it can get and why this is a real problem. The following, as funny as it might be, may have done some serious damage if it had been sent to the wrong person, luckily it was a friend.

Mar 4, 2008 1:21 AM
"hey duder. Know what nakes you all weird when all you want to do is SLEEP? Ambiem. They. Should have a commercial of people floating around like aliens. Wishinh for sleep but instead have received a high like pcp and nyquil mixed. Anyway, your proibably sleepin. just return your phone call. bybye time."

Yes that is real. Yes I did find that hilarious in the morning, but at the same time the ones where you reveal things you may or may not even feel is far more common then the funny ones. I'm talking about the ones that destroy your credibility. The ones when after all is said and done, you have to stay sober for at least a good year as to not a appear like maybe you should be thrown into the booby hatch. I thought this would be a good thing to blog about after so long. Trust me I did not forget about this little bloggybooboo, I just knew I had to come back with something really thought provoking and have been writing this in my head all week. Mentally going through potential solutions to this worldwide epidemic. I have come up with the following list. Please feel free to comment or send me more ideas. We need to market this shit. Imagine all the potential and actual relationships that could be saved in the process.

1. Chinese finger trap. This was originally my second idea but the more I think about it the more I like it. It kind of coincides with #2. It works like this. Your out partying and feel your self respect fly out the door. You think hey! This would be a perfect time to text (insert name here, it is most likely someone you try not to say retarded things to). Then you reach for your phone, which you probably drop about 5 times and start looking through your address book while swaying side to side. Now, if you were in the right state of mind you would know that, A. I can't even form words to ask the bartender for another shot of popov. B. When I was looking for my phone I swear I felt like I had 16 fingers, maybe I do have 16 fingers. C. When I concentrate on something for too long I start to think about big bird and how good a totino's party pizza would be, hey maybe I should go and get one, hey I like hashbrowns too! Hey maybe I should smoke some weed or I know, ask that dude with the awesome gelled hair over there why he is such a fag, wait what was I doing? oh yeah, text messaging so and so to tell them something important, what was their name again? This is when the finger trap comes into action. Your phone has voice recognition, when the octaves sound a little to slurred the sides open up and clamp down on your fingers, while injecting you with a mild tranquilizer, then a team of "anti idiot crusaders" are automatically alerted via satellite. Your phone has a GPS tracking system so before you face plant on the floor, they are airlifting you home,snug as a drunk little bug or in some cases, if your into it, high, before you can do any serious damage to your probably already damaged drunken reputation.

After much careful consideration, and the hopes of luring you back into reading my blog, I have decided to update the list of face saving mechanisms everyday for the next week. I would like to propose a contest to see who can come up with the best one and post it next Tuesday. I look forward to your submissions and insights to this life shattering problem.

I hate Minnesota.. still.

Being back here, even for this short amount time has emphasized the fact that I don't belong here and I don't think I ever really did to begin with. I think I may be the only person in the history of the world (well as far as the people I have spoken with about this topic) who has no love for their hometown. Call me what you will, this place is dead to me. I love my friends and sometimes my family, but I don't really connect them to this miserable tundra. My relationship with MN has and most likely will continue to be, a horrible mistake, riddled with cancer and regrets. I love you all, but come into the light, you don't have to live this way.

The funniest fun night so far

Way to many rad things happened last night to even attempt to tell the tale. I think I will be lazy and just let the photos tell the story. P.S someone named me will be making a brief appearance in MN next week. Can't wait to see you all!

This fool's in love again

I have had this on and off relationship for most of my life now. Twists and turns, ups and downs, love and hate. I think most people will be able to relate to this drama. No I am not talking about a person, I feel this may be something far more personal then that, I am talking about my love affair with music. It has been my constant companion through the worst times of my life and the best. Sometimes it serves as a reminder of the past, good or bad, a glimpse of the future, dreams not yet recognized. Yes I have started this stormy relationship, yet again. These past couple of weeks it has served as a lifeline and supportive friend. I missed this aching feeling for awhile, I thought music and I had hit rock bottom and the chances for recovery were way to slim to even consider starting over, but alas, as it always does, it gathered strength and came thundering back into my life, it always does, I have no idea why I ever doubted it. The most unusual things happen now, I will wake up with a song in my head I haven't heard in years or I will just put a pillow down in the middle of the floor, hit shuffle on ole Flounbard (my ipod) and just lay for hours absorbing as much music as I can before the stampede comes rolling through the door. It is always so exciting to get back together, I hope music doesn't disappoint me again this time.

this that and the other thing.

Keeping it real down here in warmtown u.s.a. Well duh. Booked a German editorial. Super rad. Lovin every second of my life, except for this gnarly upper respitory infection I got goin on, spent way to much time in urgent care yesterday, luckily after much much to much time and one blasphemous doctor telling me I need glasses, i got dome killer antibiotics, which is a real good thing cause I didn't want to miss out on the fun last night. I for sure didn't. Art show, o asian and dancin at Set. Hung out with alot of cool peeps, one in particular.. Love it here, man....

3 parties, 1 night, 1 person.

Lost my digi.. FFFFUUUUCCCKKKKKKK!!!!! Someone stole it at the 2nd club. Assholes. So if anyone wants to donate money or a digital camera to the Stacy Shannon fund please feel very free!! Oh well I had an amazing time. I am meeting so many new people. 1 in particular.. Oh and did I mention I met the DONALD earlier that day? Oh yeah, thats me on the big screen. HAHA! so freaking weird.

Another day at the crazy ranch or what the fuck do I do with a day off?

I had the day off and almost bored myself to tears. When you are in a new city it is exciting but at the same time difficult. When you live some where on your days off you have certain things you like to do and certain places you like to go. I know what your thinking, your in a new city! get off your boney ass and go explore! But sometimes you just want an ol' reliable and comfortable experience, especially when most of your days leave you feeling like your head has been ripped off your body, thrown into orbit and then reattached, sometimes backwards. And let me say this, there is really only so much chilling you can do by the pool, I am not quite there yet, but I can feel it sneaking up on me like a bad memory. Does that even make any sense? No? Well to damn bad this is my godamn blog and I will say whatever goobldee gook nonsense i want! Yeah and i won't make some of my i's uppercase and spell things wrong, YEAH!! I can say I am getting some fantastic reading in on all of my obscenly long busrides and on the off chance I actually have a moment to myself at home without one of my crazy (I mean that in the most endearing way if any of you are reading this, hehe..) ass skeletor roomates whipping up some sickly green goo in the blender or bitching about their nonexsistent muffin top, I actually have started to do a little yoga. I emphasize the word little because after about 20 minutes I feel like I might actually die of boredom, but I am getting there. Tonight my non-model roomate and I will be partcipating in a most holy ceremony, a Rambo/chinese food marathon to prepare for the opening tomorrow. I believe it will be a very entertaining evening given the circumstances. I always have a good time eating chinese food + the added bonus of Rambo movies + pissing off the holocaust camp I currently reside with will be giving me the evil eye for a good couple of hours. haha, can't wait to see there faces when I call up the crazy ass asian dude that yells at me everytime I start my order with " YOU MUS ODA TWENTY FI DOLLA ODA FO DELIVEWY!!!" Which I love to respond with " YEAH DUDE I KNOW I AM NOT FUCKING DONE YET." I love that guy, he is so predictable. Anyways tomorrow I will be going on a mission to find the local library and hopfully a wireless connection since apparently places in this part of miami don't think providing wifi is important. so I can finally start to post some of the photos I have been taking. Love you guys, keep it real up in coldass fuckapolis. Oh and I wanted to give a shout out to Tucker good luck with the show, I know it will be amazing!

Brain dead, all I can say is

The Alchemist- Paulo Coelho

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the soul of the world tests everything that was learnd along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have apeared on the horizon.'
"every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severly tested."


It is said that the darkest hour of night came just before the dawn.

I'm saving myself for the J.C

Florida has everglades. Everglades have fire ants. Fire ants bite, escpecially when your standing on their house in a 5 inch stiletto wearing close to nothing. Learned that the hard way. Ouch. Things are starting to settle here, which is good. I am still busier then I have ever been in my entire life but I kinda get the feeling I better get used to it, and it is a good thing. Took the metrorail for the first time a couple of days ago, not as sketchy as I thought. Which is great because this city is alot more spread out then I thought and I really don't want to buy a car. I am learning to stop saying excuse me, thank you, sorry, no thank you and all other manners here in Florida because apparently these people don't believe in that sort of behavior here, you say something like that to someone here and they look at you like you just told them you want to rape their mother. Also I think they should put up signs warning drivers to watch for flying pedestrians in all of sobe. These people come flying out into the street like someone put a stick of dynamite up their ass. It is insane, I think they might be trying to get hit because I can see no other reason why you would play chicken with 15 cars just to cross the street to get to pub-lix 5 seconds before the crosswalk light comes on. Other then that everything is lovely here. It's green everywhere and I am currently sitting out on my balcony typing this, the sun is shining and it is 76' at 10 AM. Forecast for the rest of the week calls for more sun and no joke, a perfect 80' everyday. No complaints. I am sleeping all night without the aid of my soon to be exbff, ambien, breathing a little bit deeper and smiling a little bit more. Sorry pals, I love you to death but... I am NEVER moving back. When you come see me I think you might feel the same way. Munz, ask ash for my email. till next time....

yeah, its time.

Time to grow. Time to move on. Time to stop being angry. Time to stop being confused. Time to meet someone new. Time to stop thinking about you. Time to stop caring about this. Time to walk away. Time to celebrate. Time to be happy. Time to be relieved. Time to go. This time I am gone. This time I am done. There won't be a next time. Not this time.

The real fake life.

So posts are probably going to be few and far between for a little bit longer, full of typos and make little or no sense. Moving to Miami is like moving into a fairytale land. I live in a dope condo in one of the richest neighborhoods in the city, I am about to sign a 2 year worldwide contract with the agency that reps charlize theron and catherine zeta-jones, the ocean is right outside my door and I make obscene amounts of money and don't have to use my brain for more then 5 minutes a day. I am not saying I have a damn thing to complain about and I am not, but at the same time.... Ahh I don't know. It's just weird. It is all happening so freaking fast I feel like my head is actually spinning. I am so grateful for everything I have. I can actually say my life is perfect right now, that has never happened for as long as I have lived. Only thing is, I miss my friends at home already. It's not the same without the people you love. I just want to give a shout out to the people who matter to me and remind them that I am thinking of them always. You know who you guys are. I miss you you like crazy already, come see me soon. Photos soon to come. interesting posts as well. Promise. As soon as I get settled here in lala land. As they like to say here ( all the fucking time), chao.

Less then 24 hours.

Yup.

I do. I have. I will... This is all.

Millions billions

Did a little dancing last night at the Kitty Kat club with my dancing peeps. It was pretty sweet except for the attempted abduction and the waiting 45 minutes for a cab to come. I know my latest posts have been mundane, but I have been zoning out for the past 2 weeks. Hopefully we will be getting back on track here soon. Stay tuned for actual informational interesting posts in the near future. This music video I shot might cheer you up and redeem this experience.

Merry freakin christmas!

Woke up this morning and looked out the window to see fresh snow. Finally it clicked that Christmas is in like 2 days. I have been so busy I haven't even thought about it. i suddenly had the urge to listen to some Charlie Brown christmas music so I went on itunes to download said album. What happened next is painful to even talk about but I sopose I have to except it.. Plugged in the good ol ipod and it immediately crashed.. I lost close to 2000 songs.. Shed a tear for lost music. At least I got to listen to Charlie Brown Christmas music at work.. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do. Happy holidays.

ahh paradise..

Cape town... Beautiful, tropical, exotic and hopefully my future home.. Keep your fingers crossed people. Safaris, surfing, mountain climbing, anyone? After Miami this could be it. Why live in a hellhole when you could live in heaven?

Another night another... Party?

During the holiday season, I like most of you I would guess, end up at more social gatherings then usual.. Tonight was no exception.. The view, Babalu and BUNKERS? (Wha?) Either way I ended up having a terrific time oh and if you wanna book me for this time next year, I will be in Capetown, SOUTH AFRICA. PEACE THE FUCK OUT.