one week, 4 days.

Yes I'm going, going, gone. I've wanted to live in this city for 14 years. I'm finally doing it. It's about god damn time.

Part duh.

Seeing as I am a huge liar by saying I would post everyday (even though you probably all read that and went "pssssshhhhhht! RIGGGHHHHT.") Here is the second idea, albeit a little later then I said, but I probably when you expected it.

A breathalizer built in to your phone that automatically turns on after 11 PM. We all know this when the worst damage could potentially and most likey will be done. I mean unless your some multi-rehab outpatient or on vacation, or most of the people I know, you aren't drunk before this time. What happens is you have to blow into the phone, it will determine your alcohol level based on a 2 month observation of your calls and messages (yes, you have to make an ass out of yourself for a bit longer, but the results could be life changing) then after you do this the phone will decide to a. call your sponsor because your on every drug known to mankind not to mention drunk, so you have obviously fell off the wagon, yet again. b. Automatically notify the mourge because there is no way you will be alive in the next 15 minutes with this much party all the time in your system, in this case it will probably turn on, lead you straight to a secret address book with all your ex's, current's, bosses and pretty much anyone else you would be embarrassed to make a fool out of yourself in front of and let you mass text them pictures of your butthole or something as equally mortifying. Hey you might as well go out with a bang right? Then your family won't have to pay as much for your funeral because nobody will be there. c. Let you call or text whoever you want and spit out a mint while saying in a creepy mac circa 1992 voice " you aint that fucked up yet but your breath is kickin for real." Changing your mind about ever texting let alone talking to another human again, therefor sending you home in a fit of humiliation avoiding the potential shit storm in the first place. Or option c. (my personal favorite, even though my career would probably be over due to black eyes and concussions) After breathing in to the device and blowing something that would put Nick Nolte and David hasselhoff combined to shame, the phone would immediately grow stretch armstrong limbs and knock your silly ass out before any real damage can be done. Stay tuned.

Drunk texting VS ambien texting.. The ultimate show down

So I have been thinking about this conundrum all week. Not the Ambien part until this morning but the drunken late night or sometimes late afternoon idiotic text message, and how we can prevent ourselves from looking and feeling like idiotic downie-midges once we are sober again. First lets take a very personal look at what one of these "messages" actually looks like. I am willing to sacrifice my own pride to show you just how bad it can get and why this is a real problem. The following, as funny as it might be, may have done some serious damage if it had been sent to the wrong person, luckily it was a friend.

Mar 4, 2008 1:21 AM
"hey duder. Know what nakes you all weird when all you want to do is SLEEP? Ambiem. They. Should have a commercial of people floating around like aliens. Wishinh for sleep but instead have received a high like pcp and nyquil mixed. Anyway, your proibably sleepin. just return your phone call. bybye time."

Yes that is real. Yes I did find that hilarious in the morning, but at the same time the ones where you reveal things you may or may not even feel is far more common then the funny ones. I'm talking about the ones that destroy your credibility. The ones when after all is said and done, you have to stay sober for at least a good year as to not a appear like maybe you should be thrown into the booby hatch. I thought this would be a good thing to blog about after so long. Trust me I did not forget about this little bloggybooboo, I just knew I had to come back with something really thought provoking and have been writing this in my head all week. Mentally going through potential solutions to this worldwide epidemic. I have come up with the following list. Please feel free to comment or send me more ideas. We need to market this shit. Imagine all the potential and actual relationships that could be saved in the process.

1. Chinese finger trap. This was originally my second idea but the more I think about it the more I like it. It kind of coincides with #2. It works like this. Your out partying and feel your self respect fly out the door. You think hey! This would be a perfect time to text (insert name here, it is most likely someone you try not to say retarded things to). Then you reach for your phone, which you probably drop about 5 times and start looking through your address book while swaying side to side. Now, if you were in the right state of mind you would know that, A. I can't even form words to ask the bartender for another shot of popov. B. When I was looking for my phone I swear I felt like I had 16 fingers, maybe I do have 16 fingers. C. When I concentrate on something for too long I start to think about big bird and how good a totino's party pizza would be, hey maybe I should go and get one, hey I like hashbrowns too! Hey maybe I should smoke some weed or I know, ask that dude with the awesome gelled hair over there why he is such a fag, wait what was I doing? oh yeah, text messaging so and so to tell them something important, what was their name again? This is when the finger trap comes into action. Your phone has voice recognition, when the octaves sound a little to slurred the sides open up and clamp down on your fingers, while injecting you with a mild tranquilizer, then a team of "anti idiot crusaders" are automatically alerted via satellite. Your phone has a GPS tracking system so before you face plant on the floor, they are airlifting you home,snug as a drunk little bug or in some cases, if your into it, high, before you can do any serious damage to your probably already damaged drunken reputation.

After much careful consideration, and the hopes of luring you back into reading my blog, I have decided to update the list of face saving mechanisms everyday for the next week. I would like to propose a contest to see who can come up with the best one and post it next Tuesday. I look forward to your submissions and insights to this life shattering problem.